Mattel has announced the release of limited edition Barbie dolls for the Nashville market:
Green Hills Barbie -
This princess Barbie is only sold at Green Hills Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign lap-dog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a lawn service. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with a Porsche.
Bellevue Barbie -
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar mini-van and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can
swear in English and Spanish. Available at Target.
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Spanish-speaking Nanny.
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Guns-N-Roses shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at UT, but is still working on the 12 year plan at Nashville State Tech when classes don't interfere with WWE Raw and Ladies' night at Big Daddy's Southside Boogie Bungalow. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and a get confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Big Lots & Dollar General Stores.
Old Hickory Barbie-
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Antioch Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter-top. Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.
Belle Meade Barbie-
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard print Spandex and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. Into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription, liberally dispensed thanks to her position at the nursing school, and botox treatments. Also cheap.
This Barbie comes with a monogrammed tote bag, a collection of credit cards in her daddy's name, expensive hair highlights, cell phone and an enormous sense of entitlement. Available in two models: eating disorder with natural breasts or eating disorder with breast implants. BMW X5 or Chevy Tahoe (both available with Texas plates) are sold separately. Vanderbilt Ken (with Toyota 4 Runner and iPod to over-compensate for nerdiness and lack of social skills) is also available with or without the flipped up Polo collar. Expensive.
This Barbie now comes with a stroller, infant doll and Bible. Optional accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Available at any Christian bookstore.
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Brookside Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker free.
Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion, and is perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on business. Franklin Barbie aspires to become Green Hills Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive.
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