Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving you. California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the Northeast States.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody - especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about the idea, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 PM EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their own states by then. God agrees we should have Pacific Ocean and Hollywood. Of course, that means we're getting San Diego too (sorry, that's just how it goes). But God is letting you keep the KKK and country music (except the Dixie Chicks).
Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to need all Blue States citizens back from Iraq right away, as we will withdraw from the "coalition of the willing" immediately. If you need people to fight in Fallujah, just ask your evangelical voters. They must have tons of kids they're willing to send over there for a purpose that keeps changing. And they don't mind if you don't allow pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.
So, you get Texas and all the former slave states, and we get the Governator and stem cell research. (We would love for you to take Britney Spears off our hands, though. She IS from the south, right?) Since we get New York, you'll have to come up with your own late night TV shows because we get MTV, Letterman, the Daily Show, and Conan O'Brien. You get . . . well, why don't you ask your people at Fox News to come up with something entertaining? (Maybe you could just watch Crossfire. That's a really funny show.)
We wish you luck with your new insular, inbred society and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously, dude - soon.
The New Country of California