Thursday, August 26

Instability of the mind of an American Male

The following is an email sequence between two men I know. The background is that both men have know each other their entire lives but grew up in different cities. The names have been removed to protect everybody.

Male #1 (10:50am):

Look, I got a letter from MCI High Toll Department and they tell me that 5 "900" phone calls were made on Friday 8/20 for a total of $152.58. Are these your phone calls? Because I don't use MCI and I need to know if I should
investigate further.
Male #2 (11:00am):

I am sending you a check. I also made a few calls other LD calls.
Male #2 (11:00am):

The check will cover the interest payment.
Male #2 (11:05am):

You'll be receiving a letter by the beginning of next week.

There was a phone call next where Male #1 said he felt disrespected because he wasn't told about the phone calls and inconvenienced by having to transport Male #2 while #2 was in town. Male #2 hung up on Male #1 and the following is the next sequence of emails.

Male #2 (11:59am):

You brought up "driving" me to an interview as an inconvenience. Fuck you!! I said I would gladly take the bus and did the majority of the time of the last visit. I didn't inconvenience you. I didn't take advantage of you or anything like that. You have been taking advantage for years and to what end. Your bullshit is a foil for your internal bullshit. You could have gone to (2nd college choice). This is not about a phone bill. I have erased the bottom three fourths of this e-mail and you should be happy that I did.
Male #1 (21:37pm):

1. You're right. Transportation wasn't an issue and I was wrong to use that as an example. And yes, I could say no to your requests but I chose not to and you should not be blamed when I am disappointed with the choice I made. I do realize I do that. I am sorry.
2. You cannot really believe that this is about me choosing (college choice #1/alma mater) over (college choice #2). How do you get that? And what does it have to do with me feeling disrespected? Do you really know the reasons why I chose (college choice #1/alma mater)? Do you really know why I didn't choose (college choice #2)? Do you really know how I feel about the academic choice I made?
3. you need to deal with your own "internal bullshit" too. I know I have things to deal with and I am doing that.
Male #2 (12:23pm):

Go on the internet. Read the making of a slave. If you have not done so, read it. Get off of the plantation.
Male #1 (21:41pm):

You really need to explain this.
Male #2 (12:46pm):

The check is in the mail. Sorry I bothered. I am just doing my best with my quirks, which include the 900 rated PGs. I know what my quirks are and I am hard on myself for them, but I refuse to take anyone's shit. I look in the fucking mirror everyday and I ask myself to improve. I am not singling you out!!! I just refuse to take it!!!!
Male #1 (1:05pm):

Thank you for that, all of that.
Male #2 (1:41pm):

The system that was designed that is self-perpetuating including the bullshit about competition and pitting people against each other. Read that part of the speech. This is the American colonial system vis-à-vis African-Americans descendant from slavery. A system designed for self-perpetuation and that existed in this country longer than we have been legally free.
Male #1 (2:26pm):

I agree that the system seems to be set up to do exactly what you say, what the speech says. But I don't understand why you think that I am against you - we have more in common than not. And I still don't understand what my choice of college (and seemingly implied, career/life path) has do to with anything.
Male #2 (2:39pm):

Ultimately, You may not be there, but there are some issues that are unresolvable and cannot be categorized. Pure and simple.
Male #2 (2:40pm):

Some might say that the wilie Lynch speech is the status quo.
Male #1 (2:55pm):

I still don't understand. If I'm not there maybe you can give me an idea as to what you are referring to. You do a very good job of making me think about how I conduct my life.
Male #1 (2:56pm):

I can see where people might say that.
Male #2 (4:03pm):
(This was attached to the email {12:37pm} where Male #1 starts with "You're Right.") Formatting is from the email.

FUCK YOU. I AM GETTING WHERE I AM GOING ON MY OWN. ARE YOU?? YES, BUT MY TELLING YOU IS IN RESPONSE TO REALIZING THAT YOU HAVE TOOK IT OUT ON ME FOR YEARS WHEN REALLY THE PARENTS WERE THE FUCK UPS!!!!! THEY WEREN'T LOVING, THEY WEREN'T CARING, THEY USED US FOR WHAT THEY DIDN'T GET OR HAVE ACCESS TO IN TERMS OF AFFECTION IN THEIR LIVES AND THEY (WELL I GUESS THERE'S ONLY ONE LEFT) DENY IT TO THIS DAY. YOUR INTERNAL SYSTEM SHOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED ME TO TAKE IT OUT ON. ASK YOUR THERAPIST -- THIS IS WHY. YOU DON'T NEED ME TO ADMIT THAT I HAVE INTERNAL SHIT. I DO NEED YOU TO STOP IF YOU TAKE IT OUT ON ME CAUSE I NEVER EVER START IT AND I WON'T BE TAKING IT ANY MORE. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU. YOU EVEN LIKENED ME TO THE ASSHOLE IN BRAVEHEART. I HAVE A LONG MEMORY. YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE. DID YOU STAND UP TO YOUR MOTHER?? FUCK YOU!! HOW DARE YOU TAKE YOUR SHIT OUT ON ME AND EXPECT ME TO TAKE IT. YOU ARE NOT SORRY. YOU CAN'T HELP IT AND I DON'T START IT AND I WON'T TAKE IT. YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, WELL YOU DON'T LIKE A CHANGE IN THE STATUS QUO. THERE IS A REASON THAT YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU FELT IT WAS AN INCONVENIENCE. THERE IS A REASON THAT YOU SAY THATB YOU REGRET GIVING ME A RIDE. IT IS A FOIL. YOU WEREN'T DISRESPEOCTED. YOU JUST DON'T HAVE THE POSITION YOU WANT. MAYBE YOU WEREN'T A GOOD HOST. YOU ARE NOT SORRY. YOU WOULDN'YTHAVE SAID IT IF YOU WERE SORRY. WHY DID YOU SAY IT. YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE BOY!!! YOU JUST RATIONALIZE IT!! I WILL LET YOU KNOW IF YOU TAKE IT OUT ON ME BECAUSE I DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON YOU EXCEPT IN RESPONSE WHICH IS WHY YOU THINK THAT ITS O.K. I DIDN'T DISRESPECT YOU YOU ASSHOLE, YOU JUST DON'T LIKE THE RESULT. I HAVE NEITHER THE HISTORY NOR THE SIZE TO GET YOU TO STOP. YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZ IT. IT DOESN"T MATTER THAT I'M RIGHT. IT MATTERS THAT YOU HAVE BEEN COMPPARING/COMPETING AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO, GO SMOKE SOME DOOBAGE. RELAX. STOP AND DO WHAT YOU DO. YOU JUDGE ME BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE. YOU WEREN'T DISRESPECTED, YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO PROTECT THE CHILD WITHIN FROM LOSING OUT. I HAVE HAD IT HARDER WITH ALL OF THE SHIT THAT I'VE DONE. FUCK YOU FOR EVEN TAKING ANOTHER POSITION. I AM SUGGSTIONG THAT YOU STOP AND THINK ABOUT THE NEXT TIME THAT YOU ATTACK ME.
Male #2 (4:05pm):

I had athletic scholarship for two years at (my alma mater), and a job my last three years -- how about you??
Male #2 (4:34pm):

WHAT I am saying is that you are taking it out on the wrong person and I am taking it out on you so that you don't take it out on me in the first instance or as a matter of course. If you can't help it, then so be it -- Willie Lynch is alive and well!! It shouldn't be me teaching you. Nevertheless, you were there when my father should have taught me how to ride a bike and our mothers didn't want to be bothered. I have a long memory for positives too. I am not wrong in any of this, it is just a matter of how deep you want to go. I know the whole deal. It is shocking to have revelations.
Male #2 (4:45pm):

It took a long time and some reflection to see this. I am sorry that I recited my resume to your friend. Maybe that's not it. Anyway, if that is the case, I apologize. I am just sick of being attacked when I do no ever deliberately do it. Sorry. Goddammit!! It isn't easy changing the status quo you know.
Male #2 (5:45pm):

I do expect that little (Male #1) will taddle. He can't help it.
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